Thursday, March 6, 2008

bad playgroup mommy

I joined a playgroup.
It's a pretty cool group of women that meets once a week in random parks and peoples homes. The children are pretty well-behaved (for toddlers) and they play nicely together. Lucy loves it.

Why do I keep putting off going, then?

Each week, I say, "I'm going to playgroup," and then when it gets to be that hour, I hesitate.

I think I'm not a people person. To put it mildly.

The problem with playgroups (and other larger group settings--say, over 5 people) is that I often feel more lonely than when I'm just by myself. I'm surrounded by people, and I think, "They all know each other. No one is talking to me. The voices! Oh, the voices!" Then I start hyperventilating.

Why do I feel so much anxiety in these situations? Give me a four-person group, and I am happy as a clam. I can connect with each person, and I don't worry about forgetting names. Add a few more people, and I am afraid I'm talking too much. Or not enough. I'm wondering if the person I'm talking to is bored. Or I'm bored. Or I think that person over there would surely be more interesting to talk to than the one I am, in fact, talking to.
It's like I revert to the 7th grade playground. Next I'll be saying "Like" after every sentance, and snapping my gum.
Breathe, Heather, breathe.

1 comment:

interplay said...

you can always come hang out with us and Lucy can work on her self-defense skills!