Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear Trader Joe

Why, Trader Joes? Why? Why?
Why are you out of the Omega-3 fortified dried cranberries?


Why? It has been almost a month, Trader Joe. A month without the tart, sweet goodness of your cranberries. A month of the warehouse being "temporarily out of stock". A month of quick stops by your local store, just to see if the warehouse problem had resolved itself.
It had not.

Did you notice that it was Christmas time? A time for CRANBERRIES?

Oh, don't give me that. Your other varieties of cranberries--organic, orange-flavored, classic crappiness--DO NOT TASTE THE SAME. (What did you do with those anyway? They taste like frickin' raisins, except not as good.) You might as well just tell me to go buy Craisins. Frickin' Ocean Spray. The "Omega-3 Trail mix" is a poor substitute, too, since I buy $4 of nuts for every 50 cents of cranberries I get. Plus Lucy refuses to pick through the pistachios, pepitas and whole almonds. And I can hardly blame her.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could get them someplace else. Except you're frickin' Trader Joe! So unique. So utterly hateful when you run out of items. So evil and clever with the crack-fortified "health" cranberries. They must be fortified with crack to taste like that.

It also wouldn't be so bad if you'd always had them before. I wouldn't have grown so dependent on them for snacking in the car/stroller/beach/park/wherever if you'd been more spotty in your delivery. No--before, it was all sure, there's aplenty! and now it's like electricity in Bagdhad.

Trader Joe, I'm just curious. Was it intentional to fortify them with Omega-3 oils? Those oils that help avoid depressive/rage-filled episodes? That I am now having because I'm ADDICTED TO YOUR PRODUCT? Oh, that and the crack.

Oh, and my sweet daughter? That angelic one? She's constipated now, because she refuses ALL OTHER DRIED FRUIT. Her poop used to be like--well, I'll let you decide.
It's not like that anymore, Trader Joe. It's more like your all-natural peanut butter, now. Except harder.
Thanks a lot.

Please, Trader Joe. Please get back the cranberries. Please.
And maybe a little extra crack, too. For the rage.


Melissa said...

Um... uh-oh.

Heather said...

What?1? Are you looking at me? Stop looking at me!

Heather said...

(Keep it together. Keep it together.)