letter to my skin

Skin,
Please stop it. Stop itching. Decide that you like one of the various creams/salves/lotions I'm applying to you every three hours, and just shut up. Because that's what it's like when you itch all day and all night. You are like an overtired toddler, whining about everything. And a few hours of that won't kill anyone, but days and days? And nights and nights? When I'm not waking up to pee, I'm waking up to try not to itch you and to apply more cream/salve/lotion.

Also: why does one side itch worse than the other side? Am I growing a lopsided baby? Is she favoring one side? Because with all the growing/sagging/protruding that's going on around here, there does not seem to be a definitive listing to one side or another. I seem pretty even-keeled, externally. So: right side, get it together.

Don't you snicker, left side. Because sure, you're not as irritating as right side, but that is only in comparison. Believe me, if right side were to shape up tomorrow, you'd still be mighty annoying.

Also: clothes. Specifically, elastic bands, made to grip onto expanding flesh? Funnily enough, you are making the situation worse. My skin does not like anything grippy. So stop it.

All right. I'm starting to claw at you again, so I'm going to stop writing and go pick out some cream to put on you. Please. Just pretend you like it, at least long enough to let me go to sleep.

Sincerely,
Heather