We're all sick over here.
Yes. I am sick with the cold or flu, and I'm also waiting to deliver a baby.
(Due date, blah blah blah, is like now, okay?)
I have been trying my darnedest not to get any sicker, and to get better quickly, and to not panic that labor will start while I'm congested and run down. Cause I had a pretty smooth labor last time, but it was kind of like running a marathon on a treadmill I couldn't get off of, which I wouldn't really want to do when not in the best physical health, no?
But tonight, I'm feeling a little more Zen about it all. Here are a few reasons:
1. For some reason, I really feel like the baby will come when my body is ready. True story: with Lucy, one afternoon about a week after my due date, I got really sick of the waiting game, and I said to God, "God, just make this baby come out already, okay?" And about six hours later, she did. I think this prayer was partially a prayer, and partially a surrender that my body was cued to pick up on. And while I'm excited to meet this new person, I know I am not physically ready for her to make her way into the world. So I'm asking her to please hold her horses.
2. I was kind of bummed to be a shut-in before becoming a shut-in. But you know, today I'm just enjoying some very quiet time with my daughter. I don't have enough energy to do anything terribly exciting with her, and she's a little run down too, but this time of just being together, alone at home, will not happen again. So I think I can hang with being quiet and still and just appreciating the one miracle I'm already blessed with.
3. I felt so panicky about dates and times last time, so panicked and yet impatient for the whole show to get on the road last time. And this time? Not so much. I was feeling a little more panicky a few days ago, before I got sick, and now that I'm sick, I am remembering that I have no control, really, over when this baby comes, or what she is like, and that I will soon be doing a lot of very hard work, but also have a lot of once-in-a-lifetime things happening, and I'm just okay being quiet, and thinking about what's coming, and waiting for it, rather than hyperventilating about it.
4. I feel like a lot of the mental work I needed to be do to get ready for round two of motherhood is having space to get done right now. Now, because of the resting and the quiet, and the lack of activity to distract me. Motherhood is an awesome experience. Terribly awesome. And to be forced to be quiet and still before taking it on is probably a good thing.
Today I came across a verse from the Psalms: "Show me the road that I must walk, for I lift up my soul to you."
Ah, yes, Lord. The road I must walk, even if it's not necessarily the one I imagined or counted on. Because it's the one you have chosen for me, and that's enough.