I was talking with a friend of mine who doesn't have kids (but would like a couple). She has some mixed feelings about motherhood, and was sharing them with me--very tentatively. She kept saying, "I feel like a bad person for saying this..." and then she'd be surprised that I wasn't offended or shocked.
She's afraid of losing herself when she becomes a mother; of becoming someone sloppy and depressed, hanging around in her nightgown all day; and especially, of not being able to give and give and give without resentment.
I didn't so much struggle with #2 (Thanks, Flylady!) but #s 1 and 3 I'm well familiar with. As are any woman that decides to go for the whole motherhood thing.
She said, "Kids just seem like so much work, and they take so much out of you. Why do people do it?
That's a very good question, friend. If I were being cynical, I would say that societal expectations play a part; having just turned 30, I felt pretty good about myself for not feeling bad. Dyami pointed out it might have something to do with me achieving certain mandated milestones (husband, house, kid). But also, if you want one of the great joys of life, you either have to go through birth pangs or adoption pangs, and then suffer through discipline, sleeplessness, and the assorted life-changes that accompany kids. Luckily, God intends us to be able to cope. And he grows us through it. (See my post about spiritual discipline).
I told her her questions were good, and that she will lose herself, to some extent, and that it will be more than she can handle, and that she will, on occasion, resent how much effort she has to expend, given our society's helpful division of labor (men: go earn money! women: give and give and give all day! And then get up in the middle of the night!) *
I remember when Lucy was about four weeks old, I'd vibrate with anger any time Dyami went out to get coffee or to see a friend, or to just get a break. Not because I needed his help, but just because I hated that I didn't get a break, and I wanted him to suffer with me.
I remember feeling terribly guilty when he started making up little games to play with Lucy because I hadn't made up games; I didn't want to play games with her because that would be one more thing I had to do (now that she doesn't have to held every frickin' minute of the day, I happily play games. Our new favorite is the song "The Wheels of the Bus".
I remember feeling guilty because I didn't want to use my sling more than I had to. It would have solved many problems: she was fussy, if I put her in the sling, I had some mobility, and she was happy. But I didn't want to carry her any more than I absolutely had to. My back hurt, and limited mobility is, well, limited. Was I a bad mommy for not wanting her on me every minute of the day?
Looking back, I realize how much more Lucy demanded of me back then, and I feel gentle towards my former self. It's okay to be overwhelmed, I want to tell her. It will get better soon. You're doing all you can. And It's okay that you don't like this very much. You'll like it more later. To be honest, there are days where I still don't like babyhood very much. It has it's moments, but I'm ready for Lucy to learn how to dress herself and cook falafel. Oh, and talk. Oh, and sleep! Learn to sleep!
But having been through periods of more and less work in the last ten months, and realizing that each period of more work is still less work than the previous difficult period, I realize things continue to get easier. And that all this will end.
Last night, at a dinner for Dyami's company, a coworker of his said there was a turning point at about eighteen months where his son went from being kind of fun to 90% fun. I appreciated his candor.
And I appreciate that I'm more than halfway there.
*I'm not a Mormon, but I can see that there might be something to polygamy. Not that I'd want to be part of it: for one, being one of many wives wouldn't do much for your status/freedom. But it would be nice to have some company in the middle of the night. So we're going to join a commune!
Showing posts with label mama skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mama skills. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
developments
There have been some exciting developments around here.
1. The Chaos. This is when you're first starting out, and the baby has stopped sleeping magically wherever they land, and no one sent you the memo that naps are actually work and take effort and so you're wondering why the baby is yelling at you all day, because if she were tired wouldn't she sleep?
2. The Schedule. This is the somewhat militant phase, but the also charmingly predictable phase. She naps at 9:30 am and 1:30 pm, you say, with military precision. Then you add, (less charmingly), So why the hell are you inviting us over at 2 pm? You know that's just not feasible. This is especially true when the baby is still taking three naps. Three naps require the coordination skills of Martha Stewart, and about the same amount of bitchiness. You have to protect those naps, dammit.
3. The Schedule That Doesn't Work Anymore. Phase 2 devolves into Phase 3 as soon as the baby is ready for a new nap Schedule. The problem is that the baby does not send you a memo (nor does she page Martha Stewart). And since you've gotten bitchy and inflexible about the Schedule, you persist with the old Schedule for days, and wonder what is wrong with the baby that is no longer falling asleep according to her contractual obligations.
4. The Jerryrigged schedule. This is a schedule that is turning into a Schedule. This is where we are right now. It may involve alternating days (one day two naps, the next one nap). It may involve experimenting with longer and longer periods before the nap so the baby only takes one nap on a day she might probably do better with two, so that you can put her to bed early and watch Law and Order with your husband instead of commenting about how adorable your baby is at night. For the fifth time. Somewhat bitterly. The great thing about this schedule is the possibility of one nap! (or two, from last time we were in this phase). This means a lot less work and more flexibility!) The problem is this nap schedule is exciting which is code for stressful. You put them to sleep hoping they'll sleep 2 hours like they did yesterday, in which case they'll be charming the rest of the day. Instead they wake after 45 minutes and act like Pol Pot. You have more riding on success with this schedule, whereas with Schedule 1, you just stick to the hourly chart and if they wake up early or late, it's not so big of a deal.
So there you go. There's my nap theory. I know, brilliant.
- We bought a new fridge. We'd been talking about it a while (after seeing An Inconvenient Truth and learning that our charmingly ancient fridge was an electricity guzzler), and on Saturday we just went out and bought one. Just like that. Sometimes it feels like you should need a license or a class or legal counsel to buy things like fridges, but you don't. All it takes is a trip to Sears and a charge card. Oh, and maybe money in the savings account to pay off the card.
- My hair turned fabulous last night. Well, fabulous might be overstating it, but it was day two of no washing (my goal was last three days with no shampoo) and I looked in the mirror and it looked tousled and slightly wavy, and fine, and I was completely fine not washing it that night. Before, it had been a grit my teeth kind of ascetic not-washing. Then this morning I woke up and ran to the mirror and it still looked fine, and I squeezed a little water into it and then it even might have qualified as fabulous. The excitement! I had to wet it while taking a shower later on and I was a little disappointed. So my experiment has been a sucess, and I might not even wash it tonight. So there. (Note: my idea of fabulous is more than okay to go out in public with absolutely zero effort. I think I have low standards.)
- We are now in a period of nap transition. We are a little shocked that Lucy seems to be ready for one nap (yes, she is advanced for her age) but she seems to be ready. Actually, what I want to write is too complicated to put into one bullet, so I am transitioning out of bullets:
1. The Chaos. This is when you're first starting out, and the baby has stopped sleeping magically wherever they land, and no one sent you the memo that naps are actually work and take effort and so you're wondering why the baby is yelling at you all day, because if she were tired wouldn't she sleep?
2. The Schedule. This is the somewhat militant phase, but the also charmingly predictable phase. She naps at 9:30 am and 1:30 pm, you say, with military precision. Then you add, (less charmingly), So why the hell are you inviting us over at 2 pm? You know that's just not feasible. This is especially true when the baby is still taking three naps. Three naps require the coordination skills of Martha Stewart, and about the same amount of bitchiness. You have to protect those naps, dammit.
3. The Schedule That Doesn't Work Anymore. Phase 2 devolves into Phase 3 as soon as the baby is ready for a new nap Schedule. The problem is that the baby does not send you a memo (nor does she page Martha Stewart). And since you've gotten bitchy and inflexible about the Schedule, you persist with the old Schedule for days, and wonder what is wrong with the baby that is no longer falling asleep according to her contractual obligations.
4. The Jerryrigged schedule. This is a schedule that is turning into a Schedule. This is where we are right now. It may involve alternating days (one day two naps, the next one nap). It may involve experimenting with longer and longer periods before the nap so the baby only takes one nap on a day she might probably do better with two, so that you can put her to bed early and watch Law and Order with your husband instead of commenting about how adorable your baby is at night. For the fifth time. Somewhat bitterly. The great thing about this schedule is the possibility of one nap! (or two, from last time we were in this phase). This means a lot less work and more flexibility!) The problem is this nap schedule is exciting which is code for stressful. You put them to sleep hoping they'll sleep 2 hours like they did yesterday, in which case they'll be charming the rest of the day. Instead they wake after 45 minutes and act like Pol Pot. You have more riding on success with this schedule, whereas with Schedule 1, you just stick to the hourly chart and if they wake up early or late, it's not so big of a deal.
So there you go. There's my nap theory. I know, brilliant.
Friday, June 29, 2007
theory vs. reality
Since I'm such a discipline expert now, I've decided to review a book on discipline called Unconditional Parenting.
I have to be honest--I didn't really like it. Also, I didn't exactly read it; I mostly skimmed it. Mostly because I had a sense that if I read it too closely I'd start obsessing.
Certain books have this effect on me.
The thing is, a lot of the ideas in the book I find compelling. Since I'm such a hippie, I like the touchy-feely, positive-discipline theories (we'll see what I like when Lucy actually gets old enough to need discipline). So Unconditional Parenting really stands with a lot of books I found very interesting and encouraging, like Positive Discipline and How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen. And my favorite, Kid Cooperation.
So, you all ask, what was wrong with this one?
Well, here's the deal. I just found it too theoretical. I think I'm kind of opposed to theory in parenting books. Not that theory doesn't have it's place. I mean, I want to understand the values that cause me to make the parenting choices I'm making. I want to be grounded in what really matters, so that, at least, parenting decisions are grounded in some sort of coherence. Not for coherence's sake, but because I want my whole life to have that coherence: work, money management, eating decisions, friendships, how I spend my time.
But being just slightly prone to idealism and to idealized (and impossible-to-live-up-to) ideas, a little theory for me goes a long way. Like from here to Pakistan and back.
Unconditional Parenting is about 95% theory and 5% practical applications. When you're a first-time parent, all you really need is practical applications. Because you don't know what the hell you're doing.
Take sleep. I read some books on sleep, but really, all the reading in the world left me woefully unprepared to actually help Lucy learn how to sleep. What really would have helped was watching someone put their child to bed each nap and nighttime, but unfortunately I didn't have any friends that wanted me in their bedroom that much.
Instead, all the books did was give me a bunch of ideals to live up to ("no cry" and "co-sleep" and "nighttime parenting" and "insanity"---okay, not that last one) that mostly just made me feel bad when I was at my wit's end and was willing to let Lucy sleep at our neighbor's house if it would help things.
Once I got some practical experience, the books proved more helpful. Then I actually recognized some of their ideas and thought, Oh, THAT's what they're talking about.
I think U.P. would send me down that guilt trip road even more quickly. I couldn't get through even two chapters without feeling inadequate. The author backs up his parenting ideas with a lot of research saying how parents who didn't use U.P. ended up, in clinical studies, with unhappy, hateful children (I exaggerate--he didn't make such grand claims--but did tend to show how more traditional discipline methods fared in studies). I appreciated some actual science (many parenting books have no rigorous proof for their ideas) but the general drift was to make me feel claustrophobic. And the lack of practical tips (I would have wanted the balance of practical/theory to be more like 50/50) left me feeling not just inadequate but incompetent.
One more thing: Kohn just seemed kind of extreme to me. He's all about the kids, all about involvement and respect and compassion. Which is fine--and probably he's extreme to counter more authoritarian ideas in vogue. But still, I don't think there's anything wrong for kids to be subject to the authority of parents. I don't think there is any way to explain every decision, even to older kids. I don't think it's wrong for kids to learn to obey. Sometimes simply to obey, without understanding all the reasons. Believing in the God I do, I think that's a perfectly healthy idea.
I'm really glad that I read U.P. after reading Kid Cooperation, a book that was refreshingly practical, compassionate in it's methods, but also emphasized the authority of parents. That we're in charge! That's it's okay to say, "Because I said so" every so often! Touchy-feely is fine, and compassion and mutual respect and kids that aren't just blindly obedient is great, but life isn't always fair, and parents can't always be Ghandi.
Plus, I think a relentlessly practical book is just more realistic for parents. It causes less feelings of inadequacy when the author shares how they struggled with a situation, and then tried a new angle that worked. I need to hear the struggle to keep in mind that we're all just doing the best we can. And that books are just books--they can't get up with you in the middle of the night, or calm down your kid in the middle of the grocery store.
In the middle. Ain't that the truth of parenting: you're always smack dab in the middle of it.
I have to be honest--I didn't really like it. Also, I didn't exactly read it; I mostly skimmed it. Mostly because I had a sense that if I read it too closely I'd start obsessing.
Certain books have this effect on me.
The thing is, a lot of the ideas in the book I find compelling. Since I'm such a hippie, I like the touchy-feely, positive-discipline theories (we'll see what I like when Lucy actually gets old enough to need discipline). So Unconditional Parenting really stands with a lot of books I found very interesting and encouraging, like Positive Discipline and How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen. And my favorite, Kid Cooperation.
So, you all ask, what was wrong with this one?
Well, here's the deal. I just found it too theoretical. I think I'm kind of opposed to theory in parenting books. Not that theory doesn't have it's place. I mean, I want to understand the values that cause me to make the parenting choices I'm making. I want to be grounded in what really matters, so that, at least, parenting decisions are grounded in some sort of coherence. Not for coherence's sake, but because I want my whole life to have that coherence: work, money management, eating decisions, friendships, how I spend my time.
But being just slightly prone to idealism and to idealized (and impossible-to-live-up-to) ideas, a little theory for me goes a long way. Like from here to Pakistan and back.
Unconditional Parenting is about 95% theory and 5% practical applications. When you're a first-time parent, all you really need is practical applications. Because you don't know what the hell you're doing.
Take sleep. I read some books on sleep, but really, all the reading in the world left me woefully unprepared to actually help Lucy learn how to sleep. What really would have helped was watching someone put their child to bed each nap and nighttime, but unfortunately I didn't have any friends that wanted me in their bedroom that much.
Instead, all the books did was give me a bunch of ideals to live up to ("no cry" and "co-sleep" and "nighttime parenting" and "insanity"---okay, not that last one) that mostly just made me feel bad when I was at my wit's end and was willing to let Lucy sleep at our neighbor's house if it would help things.
Once I got some practical experience, the books proved more helpful. Then I actually recognized some of their ideas and thought, Oh, THAT's what they're talking about.
I think U.P. would send me down that guilt trip road even more quickly. I couldn't get through even two chapters without feeling inadequate. The author backs up his parenting ideas with a lot of research saying how parents who didn't use U.P. ended up, in clinical studies, with unhappy, hateful children (I exaggerate--he didn't make such grand claims--but did tend to show how more traditional discipline methods fared in studies). I appreciated some actual science (many parenting books have no rigorous proof for their ideas) but the general drift was to make me feel claustrophobic. And the lack of practical tips (I would have wanted the balance of practical/theory to be more like 50/50) left me feeling not just inadequate but incompetent.
One more thing: Kohn just seemed kind of extreme to me. He's all about the kids, all about involvement and respect and compassion. Which is fine--and probably he's extreme to counter more authoritarian ideas in vogue. But still, I don't think there's anything wrong for kids to be subject to the authority of parents. I don't think there is any way to explain every decision, even to older kids. I don't think it's wrong for kids to learn to obey. Sometimes simply to obey, without understanding all the reasons. Believing in the God I do, I think that's a perfectly healthy idea.
I'm really glad that I read U.P. after reading Kid Cooperation, a book that was refreshingly practical, compassionate in it's methods, but also emphasized the authority of parents. That we're in charge! That's it's okay to say, "Because I said so" every so often! Touchy-feely is fine, and compassion and mutual respect and kids that aren't just blindly obedient is great, but life isn't always fair, and parents can't always be Ghandi.
Plus, I think a relentlessly practical book is just more realistic for parents. It causes less feelings of inadequacy when the author shares how they struggled with a situation, and then tried a new angle that worked. I need to hear the struggle to keep in mind that we're all just doing the best we can. And that books are just books--they can't get up with you in the middle of the night, or calm down your kid in the middle of the grocery store.
In the middle. Ain't that the truth of parenting: you're always smack dab in the middle of it.
Monday, June 4, 2007
real pretend mommy
So today my friend Martha had an emergency and needed to leave her two kids with me for a few hours, along with my friend Brenda's little girl. So I was a real pretend mommy to four kids today.
I did really good! No injuries, only some hair pulling! And I wasn't even the one pulling hair!
For those of you that didn't know me, pre-kid, I am not actually that naturally great with kids.
To be honest, I don't think most people are naturally great with kids, some of us have more practice than others.
I had no practice (yes, I was a youngest child), and no real interest in practicing (I babysat about five times...hated it).
I've done okay with Lucy--no major injuries, just some hair pulling--but I can see now how having a wee bit of practice might be a good thing. Though my friend Abi was a nanny for a while and she asks me for advice some times, which really makes me feel good. Not that I have advice to give, but it's nice to be asked, you know, so you can shake your head, sadly, and say, "Ah, I wish I knew", when really you do know, and you're just not telling.
Hack Mommy gave me a discipline book recommendation, called Kid Cooperation, so I tried out some of the techniques today. Q: "Do we throw toys inside?" (A: "No, (but I did it anyway)). They worked pretty well, which was heartening. However, doing real discipline, one realizes how lightening quick most situations that require discipline arise. One can not run to one's library, thumb through the discipline manual, and dispense advice while the two kids fight over a potholder. One must know what one is doing. Or pretend really well.
But I did a real good job pretending!
So you can grow up, Lucy! I'm ready for you!
I did really good! No injuries, only some hair pulling! And I wasn't even the one pulling hair!
For those of you that didn't know me, pre-kid, I am not actually that naturally great with kids.
To be honest, I don't think most people are naturally great with kids, some of us have more practice than others.
I had no practice (yes, I was a youngest child), and no real interest in practicing (I babysat about five times...hated it).
I've done okay with Lucy--no major injuries, just some hair pulling--but I can see now how having a wee bit of practice might be a good thing. Though my friend Abi was a nanny for a while and she asks me for advice some times, which really makes me feel good. Not that I have advice to give, but it's nice to be asked, you know, so you can shake your head, sadly, and say, "Ah, I wish I knew", when really you do know, and you're just not telling.
Hack Mommy gave me a discipline book recommendation, called Kid Cooperation, so I tried out some of the techniques today. Q: "Do we throw toys inside?" (A: "No, (but I did it anyway)). They worked pretty well, which was heartening. However, doing real discipline, one realizes how lightening quick most situations that require discipline arise. One can not run to one's library, thumb through the discipline manual, and dispense advice while the two kids fight over a potholder. One must know what one is doing. Or pretend really well.
But I did a real good job pretending!
So you can grow up, Lucy! I'm ready for you!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
ambidextrous
So I'm pretty proud of myself.
I've been a lay on my left, nurse on my left (and vice-versa) kind of mom the past nine months. I tried the mix-and-match position (nursing from the upper boob) unsucessfully early on, and felt like I was going to either suffocate my baby or put my back out. Problem solved: I never tried again.
Well, problem mostly solved. Except for when I needed to switch sides, and Dyami was in the other side of the bed, and it was a big pain to switch, and not safe to nurse her so she was facing the edge of the mattress.
But two nights ago, at three am, I thought, What the hell? and just rolled over a bit, like it described in my breastfeeding book (entitled So that's what they're for!). And it worked! Lucy nursed, I was only moderately uncomfortable, she got full and slept for more hours! And no Chinese fire drill in the middle of the night!
So now I'm not just doing it in the wee hours, but just when I'm lazy, putting her to sleep. I feel all skilled and such.
It only took nine months, people. Pretty soon I'm going to be pumping and getting her to fall sleep on her own without the boob. And learning the French horn. And jujitsu.
It could happen.
I've been a lay on my left, nurse on my left (and vice-versa) kind of mom the past nine months. I tried the mix-and-match position (nursing from the upper boob) unsucessfully early on, and felt like I was going to either suffocate my baby or put my back out. Problem solved: I never tried again.
Well, problem mostly solved. Except for when I needed to switch sides, and Dyami was in the other side of the bed, and it was a big pain to switch, and not safe to nurse her so she was facing the edge of the mattress.
But two nights ago, at three am, I thought, What the hell? and just rolled over a bit, like it described in my breastfeeding book (entitled So that's what they're for!). And it worked! Lucy nursed, I was only moderately uncomfortable, she got full and slept for more hours! And no Chinese fire drill in the middle of the night!
So now I'm not just doing it in the wee hours, but just when I'm lazy, putting her to sleep. I feel all skilled and such.
It only took nine months, people. Pretty soon I'm going to be pumping and getting her to fall sleep on her own without the boob. And learning the French horn. And jujitsu.
It could happen.
Monday, May 28, 2007
homeschool
Since Lucy is approaching school age, I've started looking at curriculum books, and trying to make the decision about whether I want to go full-bore and homeschool her.
I know, I know, this is a bit premature, given that she isn't walking or talking yet. But no one ever accused me of not planning ahead.
Part of me is very seduced by the idea of learning with my kids, reading great books to them, and helping instill a love of learning, rather than sending them to public school and watching it be drilled out of them.
Both Dyami and I went to public school, and both of us got a good education. With a few exceptions:
And (perhaps naively) I think Dyami and I could do a good job of educating. I am pretty qualified and excited about language, history, and social sciences. If I had a good math curriculum, I'm sure I could do fine (I always did fine with decent books). And Dyami is great backup if I hit roadblocks. Both of us love learning, love good literature, and are constantly seeking out new forms of knowledge.
When I think about actually learning things with my kids--going to the library and seeking out info on the Renaissance, or photosynthesis, or being able to fill in the gaps in my own education while helping my kids to learn, that sounds pretty cool. I mean, I did Spanish and English grammar study for fun one summer. I know, I'm a nerd.
And reading a bunch of great books together (though I don't plan on making my kids read Jerome and Hercletes in translation, sorry).
And trying to tech them spanish--maybe going to Mexico for a month as a family for language immersion together? Or to Argentina? pretty cool.
As for "socialization", I know a family that homeschooled all three kids (well, they're still in the process) through high school, and their kids are completely sane, well-adjusted, and socially adept. In fact, they're pretty awesome kids. So there's no reason it can't work.
FInally, I really, really, really dislike the consumer focus of our society. With the branding, and the emphasis on labels, and who has the best toys, and kids with cell phones, and high school kids with new cars. And the marketing is reaching earlier and earlier and earlier. This really bothers me. I know that a lot of this is guided by peers, in school, because it sure was for me, in the days of less-intense advertising. Guess, Keds, Espirit, Trapper Keeper, etc. You know what I'm saying.
Here's my hesitation.
1) I'm worried I'm thinking about this just to prove something. Like with EC, I tend to seek out the most difficult, high-effort way of doing something and then bang my head against the wall in an effort to show how superior I am to everyone else.
I do not think this is a biblical model for homeschooling. I am trying to pray that God would show me if homeschooling would be good for my mental health.
2) I have a friend that homeschools that really, truly, loves being around her kids all day.
I'm not sure I will be in that camp. I love Lucy, don't get me wrong, but I really covet the baby-free moments I get.
So those are my hesitations. If I'm a worse mommy because of homeschooling, it's not worth it. I don't want to be a witch or a martyr. I would like to have time to do my own writing and thinking again someday.
I know, I know, this is a bit premature, given that she isn't walking or talking yet. But no one ever accused me of not planning ahead.
Part of me is very seduced by the idea of learning with my kids, reading great books to them, and helping instill a love of learning, rather than sending them to public school and watching it be drilled out of them.
Both Dyami and I went to public school, and both of us got a good education. With a few exceptions:
- I remember dreading the first two months of school in elementry grades, because it was all review. I made paper clip chains and tried to get through it.
- I would read ahead in my textbooks and then be lost when I got called on.
- Worksheets where we had to write "complete sentance" answers, even when the repetition was numbing. Example: Why did the chicken cross the road? Ans: The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side.
- Dyami was in Montessori for his first grade year, and then in public school after that. He said he didn't learn anything new in math until sixth grade. Man, he could have been a Nobel Laureate in Math by 6th grade if he hadn't been held back by the public school system.
- The whole 'being smart is dumb' culture really sucked. I put up with it until high school, where in our school, being 'average' was dumb. Also not cool, but it was nice to have a break.
- A mediocre teacher and a lousy book in PreCalculus in high school. God, I hated that class. I could never figure otu the homework, and neither teacher or book helped. I scraped by, but learned almost no math. In college, I got an A in Calculus with a good teacher and good book. (I still don't remember any of it, but I did master the material at the time).
- Dyami opted out of Honors English because the teacher was obnoxious. (Being Dyami, he told the teacher so, in class). It didn't harm him long-term, but he probably missed out on some cool books.
- I was a little worried about getting beat up in Science C in Jr. High.
- Junior high in general, actually.
- Health class. Ugh.
- Just a lot of wasted time. A lot, a lot of wasted time. And we were in good schools.
And (perhaps naively) I think Dyami and I could do a good job of educating. I am pretty qualified and excited about language, history, and social sciences. If I had a good math curriculum, I'm sure I could do fine (I always did fine with decent books). And Dyami is great backup if I hit roadblocks. Both of us love learning, love good literature, and are constantly seeking out new forms of knowledge.
When I think about actually learning things with my kids--going to the library and seeking out info on the Renaissance, or photosynthesis, or being able to fill in the gaps in my own education while helping my kids to learn, that sounds pretty cool. I mean, I did Spanish and English grammar study for fun one summer. I know, I'm a nerd.
And reading a bunch of great books together (though I don't plan on making my kids read Jerome and Hercletes in translation, sorry).
And trying to tech them spanish--maybe going to Mexico for a month as a family for language immersion together? Or to Argentina? pretty cool.
As for "socialization", I know a family that homeschooled all three kids (well, they're still in the process) through high school, and their kids are completely sane, well-adjusted, and socially adept. In fact, they're pretty awesome kids. So there's no reason it can't work.
FInally, I really, really, really dislike the consumer focus of our society. With the branding, and the emphasis on labels, and who has the best toys, and kids with cell phones, and high school kids with new cars. And the marketing is reaching earlier and earlier and earlier. This really bothers me. I know that a lot of this is guided by peers, in school, because it sure was for me, in the days of less-intense advertising. Guess, Keds, Espirit, Trapper Keeper, etc. You know what I'm saying.
Here's my hesitation.
1) I'm worried I'm thinking about this just to prove something. Like with EC, I tend to seek out the most difficult, high-effort way of doing something and then bang my head against the wall in an effort to show how superior I am to everyone else.
I do not think this is a biblical model for homeschooling. I am trying to pray that God would show me if homeschooling would be good for my mental health.
2) I have a friend that homeschools that really, truly, loves being around her kids all day.
I'm not sure I will be in that camp. I love Lucy, don't get me wrong, but I really covet the baby-free moments I get.
So those are my hesitations. If I'm a worse mommy because of homeschooling, it's not worth it. I don't want to be a witch or a martyr. I would like to have time to do my own writing and thinking again someday.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
'nuff said
The Lactivist posted about "the dark side of breastfeeding" today.
I really liked her post. So much so that this inveterate lurker actually commented!
If you haven't breastfed before, and are thinking about having kids that you breastfeed, you should read the post. I wish I had had this kind of perspective before I started, because I think the rude awakening would have been a bit less rude.
Don't get me wrong, I think breastfeeding is absolutely the right choice. I'm not at all sorry that I'm doing it, just as I'm not sorry I had a baby. But some days, I think, what the *&@$^! was I thinking? Like last night, when I woke with a splitting no-caffeine headache at 1:30 am when Lucy woke, and as she nursed, I realized the headache had spread to my stomach, so I was wondering if I was going to barf as she wiggled and didn't go back to sleep. Oh, and our night light is a blue LED light which is apparently at the optimum headache-increasing spectrum.
Ohhhhhhhh. It makes me nauseous just remembering.
SO. Go see the Lactivist! Now!
ps. Someone needs to wean herself off of that second tea she's been sneaking in the late morning. Because I don't want to increase my caffeine addiction. And I don't want any more 1 am headaches.
I really liked her post. So much so that this inveterate lurker actually commented!
If you haven't breastfed before, and are thinking about having kids that you breastfeed, you should read the post. I wish I had had this kind of perspective before I started, because I think the rude awakening would have been a bit less rude.
Don't get me wrong, I think breastfeeding is absolutely the right choice. I'm not at all sorry that I'm doing it, just as I'm not sorry I had a baby. But some days, I think, what the *&@$^! was I thinking? Like last night, when I woke with a splitting no-caffeine headache at 1:30 am when Lucy woke, and as she nursed, I realized the headache had spread to my stomach, so I was wondering if I was going to barf as she wiggled and didn't go back to sleep. Oh, and our night light is a blue LED light which is apparently at the optimum headache-increasing spectrum.
Ohhhhhhhh. It makes me nauseous just remembering.
SO. Go see the Lactivist! Now!
ps. Someone needs to wean herself off of that second tea she's been sneaking in the late morning. Because I don't want to increase my caffeine addiction. And I don't want any more 1 am headaches.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
vindication
So I got out a scale at my inlaws and weighed Lucy.
It's not an officially calibrated doctor scale, but my weight seemed normal on it.
Lucy weighs seventeen pounds.
That is four more pounds than she did at 6 months (a little less than three months ago), when the doctor got all concerned about how small she was.
And according to the WHO breastfeeding charts, she's now firmly average.
Whoo hoo! My child is mediocre!
So it's official: I didn't need to worry about Lucy wasting away from not being fed enough. I also didn't need to feed her three times a day or wake up in the middle of the night to pump. I didn't need to worry about the fact that her growth had slowed and was falling off of the curve on my ped's laptop screen.
Imagine! My child might not match the curve on a laptop screen! She might grow in spurts!
Wait. Don't they call them "growth spurts" for a reason?
And just a note: I would still be okay if Lucy weighed less; I was pretty firmly convinced she was fine all this time. But I will admit it's nice to have the little number that sort of backs me up. Just in case other people don't trust my motherly intuition.
It's not an officially calibrated doctor scale, but my weight seemed normal on it.
Lucy weighs seventeen pounds.
That is four more pounds than she did at 6 months (a little less than three months ago), when the doctor got all concerned about how small she was.
And according to the WHO breastfeeding charts, she's now firmly average.
Whoo hoo! My child is mediocre!
So it's official: I didn't need to worry about Lucy wasting away from not being fed enough. I also didn't need to feed her three times a day or wake up in the middle of the night to pump. I didn't need to worry about the fact that her growth had slowed and was falling off of the curve on my ped's laptop screen.
Imagine! My child might not match the curve on a laptop screen! She might grow in spurts!
Wait. Don't they call them "growth spurts" for a reason?
And just a note: I would still be okay if Lucy weighed less; I was pretty firmly convinced she was fine all this time. But I will admit it's nice to have the little number that sort of backs me up. Just in case other people don't trust my motherly intuition.
Monday, May 14, 2007
portable
My daughter is getting downright flexible.
First there was the car ride to and from Ojai, in which we had some crying and unpleasantness, but not during the majority of the trip.
Then there was the day trips in the car; getting in and out of her car seat several times, overstaying past her tiredness, being out after dark, and generally messing with her schedule, and no major screaming fits! And even some completely peaceful rides when I least expected it!
And finally, there was the realization that when distracted, the little girl can go for hours (hours!) in between her two naps. Meaning that we could stay out places leisurely, without looking at a clock, and/or deliberately space her naps so that her bedtime would be later, so that we could actually have a family dinner out one night!
And I also had some wheat this weekend. Once because I thought, what the hell and once because the choices for lunch were Subway and Jamba Juice, and I just went for a sub. And there was some mild digestive problems, but nothing not livable. (And it may have been due to the Chipotle we had for dinner Sat night, which has also resulted in mild GI distress).
What's next, the solution to global warming?
We took advantage of said flexibility last night when we went to church. I got to sing at our nighttime service (woo hoo!) and afterwards, we talked to people and then we went out to dinner. Fidels! Yum! Sure, we sat on our own for maximum speed, ordered ate and checked out like speed demons, but we were able to do it. And she was actually smiling on the car ride home! And went to bed and slept just fine. And is still sleeping at quarter past eight! (Okay, she woke up at 4:30 and kept me up until 7:15, at which point I gave up on me sleeping, but still, at least I had time to make tea!)
I had time to fantasize about us actually going on a real trip. Someplace exotic, like Mexico. And actually enjoying myself, rather than being a stress case.
It could happen, people.
First there was the car ride to and from Ojai, in which we had some crying and unpleasantness, but not during the majority of the trip.
Then there was the day trips in the car; getting in and out of her car seat several times, overstaying past her tiredness, being out after dark, and generally messing with her schedule, and no major screaming fits! And even some completely peaceful rides when I least expected it!
And finally, there was the realization that when distracted, the little girl can go for hours (hours!) in between her two naps. Meaning that we could stay out places leisurely, without looking at a clock, and/or deliberately space her naps so that her bedtime would be later, so that we could actually have a family dinner out one night!
And I also had some wheat this weekend. Once because I thought, what the hell and once because the choices for lunch were Subway and Jamba Juice, and I just went for a sub. And there was some mild digestive problems, but nothing not livable. (And it may have been due to the Chipotle we had for dinner Sat night, which has also resulted in mild GI distress).
What's next, the solution to global warming?
We took advantage of said flexibility last night when we went to church. I got to sing at our nighttime service (woo hoo!) and afterwards, we talked to people and then we went out to dinner. Fidels! Yum! Sure, we sat on our own for maximum speed, ordered ate and checked out like speed demons, but we were able to do it. And she was actually smiling on the car ride home! And went to bed and slept just fine. And is still sleeping at quarter past eight! (Okay, she woke up at 4:30 and kept me up until 7:15, at which point I gave up on me sleeping, but still, at least I had time to make tea!)
I had time to fantasize about us actually going on a real trip. Someplace exotic, like Mexico. And actually enjoying myself, rather than being a stress case.
It could happen, people.
Monday, April 23, 2007
the rules
I realized last night that I navigate a set of rules as complex and exacting as the tax code.
They are the rules to get Lucy to sleep.
I'm not nearly as ritualistic about it as I used to be, but I am, well, just a tad legalistic. For example
1) I must wait approximately 4 hours after her last nap before putting her to sleep.
2) I must wait approximately 12 hours after she woke up in the morning before putting her to sleep.
Rules 1 and 2 mean that bedtime is as precisely timed as, say, the Space Shuttle launch. (5...4...3...2..1... bedtime!) It has been a little tricky lately, because she sometimes doesn't get the memo about when her bedtime is, and takes a third nap at 6:30, when we put her down. Do the math people. This means a late bedtime for Lucy. And no Adult Time for mom and dad. Boooooo.
3) I must nurse until her breathing slows and the gulping stops and the gaps between sucking grow longer and longer.
At some points, I have actually counted the spaces. I had to have longer spaces in between sucking than when she was actually sucking. (one, one-thousand. Two, one-thousand). Or counting breaths in between sucking. Or counting the number of times (generally three) she sucks without swallowing. There are many metrics I can use. Note: I'm not obsessive compulsive. Really, I'm not. Really.
4) I must nurse her on both sides.
This means I sometimes switch mid-bedtime nursing to go to the other side. I'm not one of those handy moms that figured out how to nurse on both sides without turning over (how do they do that? It seems so uncomfortable to me--I can never figure out what to do with my top arm) so I do the Chinese fire drill and run around the bed with pillows.
5) If she's hopelessly overtired, I have to get up and rock her to sleep with a little step, dip, step routine, until she's drowsy enough to get back down on the bed. Don't ask how I manage to lower us down onto the mattress with her still attached to my boob. I don't quite know myself.
6) Once I nurse her to sleep, she will sleep approximately an hour before she wakes up again. Then I nurse her to sleep, and usually (thank God) she's down for a while, sometimes even till morning.
Let's take a moment and savor that last sentence.
And I always find myself planning. If she wakes up, do I try the other side? Rock her? Let her get up? Take her to the bathroom?
Nursing requires such...attention. Especially to sleep. I have to gauge her leg movement and thrashing (just leg movement usually means she's not tired enough; back arching means she has to poop or she's over tired). I have to decipher her breathing (mostly asleep versus comatose). I have to distinguish between swallows (brisk and measured and slowing down). I have to gauge whether she needs to switch sides (unlatch + cry).
Basically, I should get a medal for every successful night-time nurse-down.
That's a lot of medals, people. Let's start 'em comin'.
They are the rules to get Lucy to sleep.
I'm not nearly as ritualistic about it as I used to be, but I am, well, just a tad legalistic. For example
1) I must wait approximately 4 hours after her last nap before putting her to sleep.
2) I must wait approximately 12 hours after she woke up in the morning before putting her to sleep.
Rules 1 and 2 mean that bedtime is as precisely timed as, say, the Space Shuttle launch. (5...4...3...2..1... bedtime!) It has been a little tricky lately, because she sometimes doesn't get the memo about when her bedtime is, and takes a third nap at 6:30, when we put her down. Do the math people. This means a late bedtime for Lucy. And no Adult Time for mom and dad. Boooooo.
3) I must nurse until her breathing slows and the gulping stops and the gaps between sucking grow longer and longer.
At some points, I have actually counted the spaces. I had to have longer spaces in between sucking than when she was actually sucking. (one, one-thousand. Two, one-thousand). Or counting breaths in between sucking. Or counting the number of times (generally three) she sucks without swallowing. There are many metrics I can use. Note: I'm not obsessive compulsive. Really, I'm not. Really.
4) I must nurse her on both sides.
This means I sometimes switch mid-bedtime nursing to go to the other side. I'm not one of those handy moms that figured out how to nurse on both sides without turning over (how do they do that? It seems so uncomfortable to me--I can never figure out what to do with my top arm) so I do the Chinese fire drill and run around the bed with pillows.
5) If she's hopelessly overtired, I have to get up and rock her to sleep with a little step, dip, step routine, until she's drowsy enough to get back down on the bed. Don't ask how I manage to lower us down onto the mattress with her still attached to my boob. I don't quite know myself.
6) Once I nurse her to sleep, she will sleep approximately an hour before she wakes up again. Then I nurse her to sleep, and usually (thank God) she's down for a while, sometimes even till morning.
Let's take a moment and savor that last sentence.
And I always find myself planning. If she wakes up, do I try the other side? Rock her? Let her get up? Take her to the bathroom?
Nursing requires such...attention. Especially to sleep. I have to gauge her leg movement and thrashing (just leg movement usually means she's not tired enough; back arching means she has to poop or she's over tired). I have to decipher her breathing (mostly asleep versus comatose). I have to distinguish between swallows (brisk and measured and slowing down). I have to gauge whether she needs to switch sides (unlatch + cry).
Basically, I should get a medal for every successful night-time nurse-down.
That's a lot of medals, people. Let's start 'em comin'.
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